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How to Procrastinate

To properly procrastinate, you will need: a mobile device, a deck of cards, and a collection of random things you find around the house.

The first step to procrastinating is always setting a goal. Your goal should be something important that you know must be done. This goal will become the “bane” of your existence and you will spend all your time avoiding its completion.

Second, make preparations to start working on your goal. This is when you start to procrastinate. Instead of following through with your preparations, go to the kitchen and fix yourself a sandwich. Note: It does not have to be a sandwich, just something very tasty and delicious for you to snack on.

Take your time eating while promising to start on your goal as soon as you finish.

After you finish your snack, break your promise to start working, and scroll through social media. Repeat until all the annoying posts irritate you.

When you get tired of reading about everyone’s problems, pull out a deck of cards and challenge yourself to build the tallest card tower ever.

If your masterpiece continues to topple over, throw a fit and curse the mysterious draft wallowing through the house.

When you run out of things to occupy yourself with, gather a collection of random objects from around the house and give them names.

Make them talk to one another in funny voices, and come up with a solution to solve world hunger.

Finally, notice that it is almost midnight, and call it a day.

Free Trampoline

February 2, and I’m on my way home from work. You would think that after eight years I would know the date by now. But there are five of them; I can’t possibly remember all those dates. Maybe if something interesting were happening on that day, like the Superbowl, I would remember it. Maybe.

My alarm sounded at 5 a.m. and I was up and ready to leave while the children were still sound asleep. I wore my same light blue aloha print collared shirt with lanky beige pants and worn brown leather shoes. The scent of my Kona Blend roasted coffee drifted through the air as I hurriedly transferred it from pot to thermos. With my thermos in my right hand and a hot pocket in my left, I drudged to my truck, started the engine, and drove to Lahaina without another thought.

“I got lucky this time,” I thought to myself after a long day at work. The ad Big trampoline for FREEEEEEEEEE………….come n get it…….call……wainee st..come grab it….in front…..Lahaina was sitting unevenly across my phone screen. I cautiously pulled into the rundown yard and shook hands with the local resident that had placed the ad. He helped me load the trampoline into the back of my black pick-up, and then we parted ways.

On my way home, I made a detour to Longs to quickly pick up a card and a calendar. As I sat in the parking lot, I hastily scribbled Happy 8th Birthday Brooklyn! Love, Daddy on the inside of the sparkle-coated, pink and purple birthday card.

At the checkout stand, I grabbed a little calendar for ninety-nine cents. I thought really hard and wrote down some dates on the calendar. “Now I won’t forget another birthday,” I stated, as I pulled away from the curb and headed home.

High School Survival Dictionary

Insubordination – (noun) As in wearing a skirt that is too short despite Mr. Delatori repeatedly telling you that it must be at the knee.
Also see violation, infraction, rebel.

Teamwork – (noun) When you have a quiz you didn’t study for, and everyone helps each other out by sharing the right answers.
Also see cooperation.

Miracle – (noun) When you didn’t do your homework for a class but have a free block the block before and have time to finish it.
Also see relieved, lucky, procrastinate.

Tedious – (adjective) Having to reach 100,000 points on vocabulary.com.
Also see torture, boring.

Reliable – (adjective) As in that one person you can always count on to do their math homework so you can copy it. 

Also see boiz.

Happiness – (noun) When you walk into a class and find out you have Mr. Whitney as the substitute.
Also see chill, cruise.

All-nighter – (noun) When you have to stay up all night to finish your 10-page senior paper, homework, and journalism articles. 

Also see exhausting, insanity.